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Can I just push pause?

December 26, 2009

Last night I went to a Christmas party and I was actually kind of sad. I was stone-cold sober, so that might have had something to do with it. But honestly, I spent a lot of the night watching everyone else have fun.

I had a good time, but I would have preferred to have long deep conversations with all of my friends rtather than watch them flirt with each other and play drinking games.

The evening had a few poigniant points. I got to give the Schaller women and my friend Dee their Christmas presents. I was also able to make them myself this year and that made it extra special for me to give the gifts to my ladies. I was also able to ascribe special meaning to to gifts that all my girls were able to understand as well.

I gave Laura a bit of wisdom; some heart to my Amis, some perspective for Katalita, balance for Dee and Debbie — my mother-figures — and a little extra truth for my Jewel. I got to talk to Katy about religion and truth, I got to talk to Juile about love and Amy gave me beautiful praise for being fancy, yet free.

(Fancy Free, that’s me.)

At the end of the night, as we were all about to either fall asleep or leave, Dee sat down with me.

“I can’t help but think about the fact that you won’t be here next year. I know it’s selfish, but I wish you could stay,” she said.

“Oh sweetie, no matter where I go this will be home,” I said. “And I imagine I’ll be sure to be home for Christmas.”

“I know. And you need to go. I was telling the girls earlier that it is so obvious that there is something bigger for Crystal than all this,” she said.

Something bigger than all this? What a foolish thing to think something bigger than all this exists. But I do feel that way. Like there’s something else I’m supposed to be doing. And it does feel bigger. Bigger than me, even.

The party actually highlighted my current struggle. I don’t really want to go anywhere. But it was so obvious all night that isn’t the place I’m supposed to be. I don’t fit here anymore. I’ve outgrown it. (And not just because my waist is 3 sizes bigger.)

Rapid City is too small, but the future seems too big. Too infinite to go into alone. I want to take Julie and Katy and Dee with me. I want to take my sister, my apartment and my dog. I want to know how it’s all going to turn out and I want someone to hold my hand and help me figure out all the little details.

(Maybe that’s why I was so heartbroken over losing Blake. He really was doing a great job at supporting my future and holding my hand while all the details unfolded — even if it was just for a month.)

The truth is, I want to push pause. I want to have a few months to do nothing but mentally and emotionally prepare for this — for whatever it is that I’m going toward. I want to be able to quit my job. I want to play with my friends and study for the tests ahead of me.

I want to know which direction is the right way to go and I want to love where I end up as much as I love everything I have now.

And I really do love it all. I love my family, my friends, my apartment, my job. I even love this city. It feels like I learned to love it all too late, because now I have to leave it all really soon.

I’m also going to have to pack. Packing sucks.

Anyway, Merry Day-After-Christmas. All my love.

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