The Most Beautifully Cohesive, Incohesive Thing…

A friend of mine with some first-hand experience with alcoholism – his dad was an alcoholic—mentioned that my situation sounds like my alcoholic using a new relationship as a drug. He’s not the only one who has mentioned that.

He and I were e-mailing about it over the last few days and here is one of my responses that he called, “one of the most beautifully cohesive incohesive things,” he had ever read. And it pretty much sums it up, so here you go:

Yeah, I think that’s what’s going on – the “new person as a drug” thing. And I hope it isn’t what’s going on because I don’t want him to postpone his recovery. But I hope it is what’s going on because then he doesn’t really care about her more than me – he is just using her. But I hope that isn’t true because he is better than that.

But maybe he isn’t really better than that, I just think he is and I’ve been deluded this entire time. Ugh.

And topping it all off is my jealousy and hurt.

And maybe she is an incredible person and they will help each other get and be sober, and they will develop a deep and abiding love. And on some levels I totally want that, because I want the best for him. But I also want it to fall spectacularly apart and become this incendiary thing that shows him how incredible I am and makes him want me instead. (And maybe burns his eyebrows off.)

But also, at this point I don’t know if I want the relationship back the way it was. He was improving and that was exciting and I was happy. But if he could do this, then he probably isn’t as healthy as I thought. And probably not as healthy as I want and need to have the fully-realized relationship that I want. That’s so hard to write because I really was incredibly happy.

And I really do want him back. All of the incredible things about him that I got to share and experience this past year. But I also want more out of a relationship. And truthfully out of myself. I was worn out and weary frequently over the past year – as a result of being burned out pretty fully during grad school the year before. I wasn’t planning for the future as much as I would have liked. I was tired and resting…resting in him to be specific.

And I want the version of him that I see the Universe begging him to be. The sober, happy, ready-to-move-on-and-create-something-beautiful Rick. And I feel like he is so close to being that. Like six months of hard work and love away. And if that’s the case I want him to come find me and woo me like crazy in six months.

Unless, of course, I’m completely in love and ready to marry the man of my dreams. Oh the dilemmas of my imagination.

And maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it is going to take him ten more years before he’s fully capable of experiencing life on the level that I am. So then it’s better if I’m free. I just don’t want that to be true because I want him to be happy whole and full of life. And I want to be right. And I want to be with him.

Ugh.