The Unsent Message

I was going to send her a message this morning. Something to remind her of how amazing she is, and to keep her hopes up about how good she is doing at getting through all of this. Maybe just copy and paste stuff from my Because You’re Magnificent post. (Because she is!) What I didn’t know is that she would not have gotten the message. Maybe she never really got any of them.

I didn’t send my message because I got a weird message from her aunt. It asked me what was going on with her and the boyfriend. I guess her aunt and sister didn’t even know that she had broken up with her boyfriend. They didn’t know she was moving out or that she had found a new place to live. They didn’t know that she was thinking about taking classes to learn how to do something new, and that she was really tortured by the idea of having kids.

And he wanted kids. He wanted to get married and get nuclear. She didn’t. That was definitely a hint at some of her pain. The pain that I knew was there, but I was willing to let her show me just a little bit at a time.

In the meantime, we were in plays together. We had drinks. We talked about her relationship and the fact that she wasn’t really satisfied. I told her she deserved every good thing she could imagine. And sometimes she believed me. Sometimes she said it all sounded like so much work. We ran a 5K together. Well, she ran. I mostly walked and sweated. The pictures are on Facebook.

That was just three weeks ago.

I would never have run that thing if it hadn’t been for her. I would have just thought about it and then wished I had done it. It was so funny and so her how it all happened. I posted a link to the color run on Facebook with the question, “Anyone wanna run a 5K?” I thought maybe I’d get a few people who were also considering it. Maybe we’d talk about it. Maybe I’d do it by myself. Maybe nothing would happen.

But she private messaged me soon after and told me that she had bought us four tickets. God, she was awesome.

I saw her on Sunday. I went to her job. I gave her a hug. I told her I was proud of her. Glad she was getting out and moving on. I had felt like that was what she wanted for years now. Like three years. She talked to me about her plans and her future. I told her that all sorts of good things were on the horizon for her. This thing that felt like a big bad ending was really a beginning.

That’s honestly what I thought.

I was even kind of jealous of her. She was crying so much, and I don’t envy anyone in pain, but really moving on is always rich soil for big awesome. And she was so awesome that I couldn’t wait to see her big awesome.

I’m mad. At myself. Maybe I could have done more. I’m mad that I don’t get any more of her. I was actually super happy that we had talked more lately. I always wanted to see her more. But our jobs had pretty opposite hours. Stupid job.

I had honestly been kind of compiling a list of people that I was going to work hard to pull into my inner circle. She was at the top of the list – up there with a few of my new yoga buddies and a few of my teacher friends. She had the top spot because I have known her since middle school, and I just had to see how this flower would bloom.

Well, I’m obviously sad. I’m also in incredible shock. This seems like a cliché movie plot. Like I had some sort of stroke while watching too many episodes of Castle. (And I totally have been watching too many episodes of Castle this week.)

I’m vacillating between, “She can’t be gone” and, “Someone must have killed her.” Well, of course, someone did. But my brain keeps saying “someone else” must have done it. She couldn’t have been that sad. That hopeless – and me not see it. No, I don’t care if I was smart enough to see it. I just don’t want it to be true.

I should have been there, right? I tried to be.

Now to cope, right. I’m gonna need something big. A goodbye that is fitting of the love and joy and hope she was and is to me. How to express such a big love to someone who isn’t here anymore? I’m still so grateful for her.

She was going to be one of the people I told the kids about on the first day of school. The 5K. That was my big accomplishment for the summer. I totally did it because of her. I’ve never done anything like that before. I actually daydreamed about telling her how the kiddos responded to our pictures after telling them about it. I imagined her laughing and telling me how silly I am. I imagined her acting like she wasn’t the thing that made that happen.

I imagined her in the life she wanted. Totally in love with herself. Taking care of herself as much as she took care of all of the rest of us. I imagined her using all of the gorgeous, pent-up creative forces inside of her. I imagined her happy and warm and completely in love with herself.

I guess, I hope that’s exactly where she is right now, even though I wish she were with me.