From Break-Up to Break-Down

Okay, I had a HUGE upset in my life this past week (January 6-8, 2018), when my long-term committed relationship ended. It was the best relationship I have had up to this point in my life, and the longest adult relationship.

I honestly felt like I might die as a result of the pain of this loss and the circumstances this past week. But I haven’t given up. I have reached out to people who are nearby and can physically be here for me.

I held on tightly to the relationship initially because I have worked so hard in it and for it, and because I chose him so many times. I have learned so much, and part of the reason that I’m the current awesome version of myself is because of that knowledge. I was happy and still growing, so I didn’t want to let it go. I think I may have even been doing some bargaining with the Universe* over what it may owe me, or he may owe me, or what I could do or give to keep this from coming to an end.

But I know the truth is that the Universe doesn’t owe me anything. Quite the contrary, it is actively seeking to give me and create for me every good thing that I will allow myself to imagine and bravely work toward.

And, although my significant other did not end things in a way that I feel was fair or wise (for him or me), he does not owe me anything for the love, affection and comfort I gave him during our time together.

I gave it freely and unconditionally. I worked very hard in our relationship not to put expectations in place or conditions to make any of it some sort of transaction or layaway plan for love and life.

So, this painful past week has been me bringing all of this further into my awareness, and I have been working up to beginning to let go — of him, of all of it.

I have cried, I have lost sleep, I have done the common broken-hearted woman thing and wondered what I did wrong — even what is “wrong” with me. I’ve gotten to a place where I feel like I have enough truth (or enough of a story) about the circumstances and causes that I can process this and move forward (slowly).

Now it’s time to do the work. I’m not done being sad. I know that. And I might need your help from time to time to cheer me up, to spend time with me, to call me — all of it.

This is me reaching out to all of you for help. I might not know what help I may need at times, so feel free to offer what you can think of.

I’m doing a lot of personal reflection and evaluation, and I’m trying to take a little bit of action on everything I decide I need.

So, I decided I needed a team. I need a pep-squad, a planning committee, a prayer team…and I probably need some accountability outside of myself too.

Who wants in?