From Break-Up to Break-Down

Okay, I had a HUGE upset in my life this past week (January 6-8, 2018), when my long-term committed relationship ended. It was the best relationship I have had up to this point in my life, and the longest adult relationship.

I honestly felt like I might die as a result of the pain of this loss and the circumstances this past week. But I haven’t given up. I have reached out to people who are nearby and can physically be here for me.

I held on tightly to the relationship initially because I have worked so hard in it and for it, and because I chose him so many times. I have learned so much, and part of the reason that I’m the current awesome version of myself is because of that knowledge. I was happy and still growing, so I didn’t want to let it go. I think I may have even been doing some bargaining with the Universe* over what it may owe me, or he may owe me, or what I could do or give to keep this from coming to an end.

But I know the truth is that the Universe doesn’t owe me anything. Quite the contrary, it is actively seeking to give me and create for me every good thing that I will allow myself to imagine and bravely work toward.

And, although my significant other did not end things in a way that I feel was fair or wise (for him or me), he does not owe me anything for the love, affection and comfort I gave him during our time together.

I gave it freely and unconditionally. I worked very hard in our relationship not to put expectations in place or conditions to make any of it some sort of transaction or layaway plan for love and life.

So, this painful past week has been me bringing all of this further into my awareness, and I have been working up to beginning to let go — of him, of all of it.

I have cried, I have lost sleep, I have done the common broken-hearted woman thing and wondered what I did wrong — even what is “wrong” with me. I’ve gotten to a place where I feel like I have enough truth (or enough of a story) about the circumstances and causes that I can process this and move forward (slowly).

Now it’s time to do the work. I’m not done being sad. I know that. And I might need your help from time to time to cheer me up, to spend time with me, to call me — all of it.

This is me reaching out to all of you for help. I might not know what help I may need at times, so feel free to offer what you can think of.

I’m doing a lot of personal reflection and evaluation, and I’m trying to take a little bit of action on everything I decide I need.

So, I decided I needed a team. I need a pep-squad, a planning committee, a prayer team…and I probably need some accountability outside of myself too.

Who wants in?

The Message I Did Send…

When someone leaves on purpose I always wonder if I have done enough. I am missing my friend, whether she really did leave on purpose or if it was something else, somehow (see how I wish it were something else?), I am definitely assuaging my pain by remembering the last message I sent.

Me: I’m falling asleep and thinking of you. You are wise, kind, generous, loving and sincere. You are one of the best people I know, and you already have everything you need to accomplish everything you have in mind. And you deserve it all. Keep looking for it, asking for it and working for it (if you have to…I don’t think you’ll have to work that hard). Then universe has been waiting to for you to open your hands so that it can finally give you all of the amazing things that it has been gathering up for you! Time to say yes!

Gerri: Thanks so much babe, you made me cry again, but this one was worth the cry.

Me: You are going to be so happy about all of this so soon.

I guess I was wrong. But I’m glad that’s what I said.

(P.S. Maybe I was right. Maybe she’s more aware of all of the love from her past life and the universe now.)

 

The Unsent Message

I was going to send her a message this morning. Something to remind her of how amazing she is, and to keep her hopes up about how good she is doing at getting through all of this. Maybe just copy and paste stuff from my Because You’re Magnificent post. (Because she is!) What I didn’t know is that she would not have gotten the message. Maybe she never really got any of them.

I didn’t send my message because I got a weird message from her aunt. It asked me what was going on with her and the boyfriend. I guess her aunt and sister didn’t even know that she had broken up with her boyfriend. They didn’t know she was moving out or that she had found a new place to live. They didn’t know that she was thinking about taking classes to learn how to do something new, and that she was really tortured by the idea of having kids.

And he wanted kids. He wanted to get married and get nuclear. She didn’t. That was definitely a hint at some of her pain. The pain that I knew was there, but I was willing to let her show me just a little bit at a time.

In the meantime, we were in plays together. We had drinks. We talked about her relationship and the fact that she wasn’t really satisfied. I told her she deserved every good thing she could imagine. And sometimes she believed me. Sometimes she said it all sounded like so much work. We ran a 5K together. Well, she ran. I mostly walked and sweated. The pictures are on Facebook.

That was just three weeks ago.

I would never have run that thing if it hadn’t been for her. I would have just thought about it and then wished I had done it. It was so funny and so her how it all happened. I posted a link to the color run on Facebook with the question, “Anyone wanna run a 5K?” I thought maybe I’d get a few people who were also considering it. Maybe we’d talk about it. Maybe I’d do it by myself. Maybe nothing would happen.

But she private messaged me soon after and told me that she had bought us four tickets. God, she was awesome.

I saw her on Sunday. I went to her job. I gave her a hug. I told her I was proud of her. Glad she was getting out and moving on. I had felt like that was what she wanted for years now. Like three years. She talked to me about her plans and her future. I told her that all sorts of good things were on the horizon for her. This thing that felt like a big bad ending was really a beginning.

That’s honestly what I thought.

I was even kind of jealous of her. She was crying so much, and I don’t envy anyone in pain, but really moving on is always rich soil for big awesome. And she was so awesome that I couldn’t wait to see her big awesome.

I’m mad. At myself. Maybe I could have done more. I’m mad that I don’t get any more of her. I was actually super happy that we had talked more lately. I always wanted to see her more. But our jobs had pretty opposite hours. Stupid job.

I had honestly been kind of compiling a list of people that I was going to work hard to pull into my inner circle. She was at the top of the list – up there with a few of my new yoga buddies and a few of my teacher friends. She had the top spot because I have known her since middle school, and I just had to see how this flower would bloom.

Well, I’m obviously sad. I’m also in incredible shock. This seems like a cliché movie plot. Like I had some sort of stroke while watching too many episodes of Castle. (And I totally have been watching too many episodes of Castle this week.)

I’m vacillating between, “She can’t be gone” and, “Someone must have killed her.” Well, of course, someone did. But my brain keeps saying “someone else” must have done it. She couldn’t have been that sad. That hopeless – and me not see it. No, I don’t care if I was smart enough to see it. I just don’t want it to be true.

I should have been there, right? I tried to be.

Now to cope, right. I’m gonna need something big. A goodbye that is fitting of the love and joy and hope she was and is to me. How to express such a big love to someone who isn’t here anymore? I’m still so grateful for her.

She was going to be one of the people I told the kids about on the first day of school. The 5K. That was my big accomplishment for the summer. I totally did it because of her. I’ve never done anything like that before. I actually daydreamed about telling her how the kiddos responded to our pictures after telling them about it. I imagined her laughing and telling me how silly I am. I imagined her acting like she wasn’t the thing that made that happen.

I imagined her in the life she wanted. Totally in love with herself. Taking care of herself as much as she took care of all of the rest of us. I imagined her using all of the gorgeous, pent-up creative forces inside of her. I imagined her happy and warm and completely in love with herself.

I guess, I hope that’s exactly where she is right now, even though I wish she were with me.